SUSTAINING RELATIONSHIPS
HOW TO BUILD FULFILLING RELATIONSHIPS THAT LAST
By: Allen Domelle
Creating a relationship is a natural process, but being able to sustain that relationship requires hard work. We often hear that someone has fallen in love. Sadly, you will find that many relationships fade over time. The reason this happens is because you don’t fall in love, but you grow in love. Many times young people say, “I have fallen in love.” They have not fallen in love, but they have fallen into infatuation. You can’t fall into love, rather you choose to love and then grow the love that you chose to give to someone.
Life is about relationships. You cannot go through life without having relationships. Nearly every week of our lives we start a relationship with someone. The key is not starting the relationship, but the key is sustaining the relationship that was started. For instance, when you have a new person who joined the church, you have started a relationship. When someone new comes to a child’s school, they have started a new relationship. When someone comes to begins working at your place of employment, you have started a new relationship. Day after day we start new relationships. We start relationships in the store when we see the cashier week after week. We start relationships with the bank clerk when we deposit money into our account. Nearly every week you start a relationship because you cannot exist in life without them.
Anybody can start a relationship, but very few are able to sustain the relationships that they have started. For instance, anybody can start a marriage relationship, but according to the Forrest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, 50% of marriages end in divorce. The rate of divorce on second and third marriages climbs even higher. The reason is because anybody can start a relationship, but few people have learned to sustain their marriage relationship. Furthermore, just because someone has started and kept a relationship, does not mean that they have sustained a good relationship. You should want your marriage relationship to not only continue, but to sustain the joy that you had when you first got married.
Your ability to sustain relationships will affect your ability to keep your job, stay in church, and to build lasting relationships. Many people jump from one job to the next because of their inability to sustain relationships. People often jump from one church to the next because of their inability to sustain good relationships with the people in their church. They will stay for a year or two, and then something happens that causes them to be disgruntled resulting in them jumping to another church. This happens because these people have not learned how to sustain a relationship. Likewise people have problems sustaining relationships with friends. You often see someone who is on good terms with someone for a while, but then you find them breaking their relationship because they don’t have the ability to sustain relationships in life. The whole reason this happens is because of the inability to sustain relationships. If you’re going to have a fulfilling life, then you are going to have to learn how to sustain relationships. Life the short, and we must learn how to sustain the relationships that we have.
1 Corinthians 13:8 says, “Charity never faileth:…” We call this chapter the chapter of love, but I like to call it the chapter on how to sustain relationships. You must grow your love if you’re going to sustain relationships, and this chapter shows us how to grow our love with people. God says that love is long-suffering, kind, unselfish and humble. God says that love is not unreasonable with what it wants, but it comes from meeting the needs of others. God says that love is hurt when someone does wrong, but it rejoices when they do right. God says that love is willing to put up with all things. In other words, there is no off switch to love. Once you start loving someone, then that love will never be able to end. That is why love is the key to being able to sustain relationships. Let me give you several things that you must do to sustain your relationships.
1. Keep your relationship with God right.
God should be the foundation of every relationship. Psalm 127:1 says, “Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.” You will notice that if God doesn’t build the house of your relationship, then your relationship is bound for failure. God should be the foundation upon which every relationship is built. You cannot have lasting relationships without having God involved in those relationships.
Furthermore, you cannot be right with man if you’re not right with God. Our relationship with God rolls over into our relationship with mankind. If I’m not right with God, then I will not be happy with myself, which results with me not being happy with others. A Christian must make sure that they are right with God if they are going to sustain their relationships.
For instance, you will be a better spouse when you’re right with God. A spouse who is not right with God is a spouse who will cause problems in their marriage. Likewise, a child who is not right with God will have a hard time getting along with their parents, thus resulting in harming a relationship that is supposed to be meaningful and joyful. Every relationship is dependent upon whether or not we are right with God. If you will keep your relationship with God right, then you will have no problem keeping relationships with man. If you keep your relationship with God what it ought to be, then you will find that sustaining relationships will be the byproduct.
2. Keep your preferences as a low priority.
If you make preference a priority in your relationships, then you will find that you will have a hard time sustaining them. Too many people fight over their preferences which sets the seed for destruction in their relationships. Stop fighting over your preferences. The only thing that we should fight over his truth. Truth is the only thing for which God tells us to contend. God does not say contend for your preference, but He says to contend for the faith. (Jude 1:3) That’s why when you fight over preference in your marriage, then you’re leading your marriage down the road to destruction. Too many relationships suffer because of preferences.
For instance, my wife knows that my preference is not to have a bowl of chili for supper. Though I don’t prefer chili, my wife and daughter like it. Because I prefer not to have chili for supper, my wife has decided not to cook it when I’m home. She waits till I’m gone to make her and my daughter some chili. Why does she do this? She does this because she has decided not to let preference be an issue in our marriage. Many couples fight over preferences and destroy their relationship with each other. Parents, be careful about fighting with your children over preference and not over right and wrong. Yes, you should be sure that your child does right. However, don’t fight with them over your preference that doesn’t really have a bearing on right and wrong.
You must allow people to be different. Don’t be so dogmatic about your preferences. You must realize that God created people with different likes, tastes, desires and wants.Therefore, if you are going to sustain relationships, then you must allow people to be who God made them to be, and do not fight over each other’s preferences.
3. Keep the proper focus.
The proper focus in a relationship should be to meet the needs of the other. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says, “Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own,…” You’ll notice when God talks about charity that He says charity is not out for itself, but it is out to meet the needs of others. When a relationship is all about you, then you’re destroying the very fabric of what a relationship truly is. It takes two people to make a relationship. Both sides of a relationship must have input if it is going to work. If only one side has all the input, then there won’t be much of a relationship.
Too often we want everything our way, when what you ought to do is try to make sure the other person in the relationship has their way. It is not about what you get that sustains a relationship, but is about meeting the needs of the other person. Let your joy come from meeting their needs, and not from them meeting yours. If the only way you get joy in relationships is when they meet your needs, then you will find that you will become disenchanted with every relationship. When all you’re concerned with is others meeting your needs, then you will find you will never be happy because that is a selfish motive for having the relationship. The only way to have fulfilling relationships that will be sustained over time is to keep your focus right by meeting the needs of others.
4. Keep the right influences.
Galatians 5:7 says, “Ye did run well; who did hinder you that ye should not obey the truth?” Notice that God asked who hindered you? The influences in a relationship will either make or break that relationship. Wrong influences can quickly destroy a good relationship. This is why it is important to keep the right influences in every relationship. Married couples need to be sure to keep the right influences in their marriage. Don’t have another relationship that will destroy your marriage. To sustain your marriage, then you must not allow someone in your marriage who could drive a wedge between you and your spouse. Don’t let a whore destroy your relationship with your spouse.
If you really want to keep your relationship with your friends right, then you’ve got to make sure you have right influences. If my friendship is built on Christianity, then I can destroy every relationship I have with others by starting a relationship with someone who is not a Christian. I must be careful about allowing other influences to influence a Christian friendship. Likewise make sure you keep the right influences in your Christian life. You may not realize this, but your walk with God is a relationship with God. Therefore, you must be sure to keep right influences in your life so that you don’t destroy your relationship with God.
What are these influences that can destroy a relationship? What you read, see, hear and whom you spend time with are all influences in your relationship. You must protect yourself from wrong influences that will destroy your meaningful relationships.
5. Keep winning them over.
Treat every relationship like you’re trying to win them over for the first time. When I was dating my wife, I did several things to try to win her heart over to me. One time I drove several hours from Baton Rouge, Louisiana all the way up to the Chicagoland area just to spend four hours with her on her birthday. Why did I do that? I did that because I was trying to win her heart. If I am going to sustain a fulfilling relationship with my wife, then I must keep on trying to win her heart over to me on a daily basis.
Likewise, you need to treat every relationship like you’re trying to win them over for the first time. Just like I did crazy things to try to win my wife’s heart when we were dating, if you are going to sustain your relationships with others, then you must try to win their heart over on a daily basis. When you stop trying to win the heart of the other person, then you start the process of killing that relationship. In your relationship with Christ, work at trying to win the heart of God over to you on a daily basis. In your relationships with your friends, work hard at trying to win their heart on a daily basis. In your relationship on your job, work hard at trying to win your employer’s heart on a daily basis. On a daily basis, work hard at trying to win the heart of the individual in every relationship.
6. Keep common goals.
The key to sustaining relationships is keeping common goals. When you have common goals with someone, then you must keep them common to continue building that relationship. What started that relationship most likely was that you found a common goal. When I first met my wife, we had a common goal to serve the LORD. Our common goal of serving God was the key to starting our relationship. Therefore, if we’re going to continue to sustain our relationship, then we need to continue to keep the goal of serving God as our priority.
With your children you need to have common goals to sustain your relationship with them. Too many parents have no goals with their children, then they wonder why they cannot sustain a relationship with them. Parents, work hard at keeping common goals toward which you and your children can work together. Have common goals with your church. If you want to keep your relationship with your church right, then you need to have goals that are common. If you want to sustain relationships with your friends, then you must keep common goals with them. When you have separate goals, you will start going separate directions. Thus, you will be ending the very fiber of your relationship. Work hard at keeping common goals.
7. Keep forgiveness close.
In every successful relationship forgiveness is present. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Beareth all things, believeth all things,…” You will notice that love bears everything. That means there is forgiveness in love. You will never be able to sustain relationships if you don’t learn to practice forgiveness. There are going to be times when forgiveness must be practiced in every relationship. It is when forgiveness is practiced that relationships grow stronger. Learn to give people the benefit of the doubt when they hurt you. Don’t carry a chip on your shoulder thinking that they wanted to hurt you. Many times people hurt you and don’t even realize it. Give people a chance to have a bad day. If you give them a chance to have a bad day and forgive them, then you will find that you will be able to sustain your relationship with them.
8. Keep your words sweet.
Words go directly to the heart. The words that you say to people will either wound or build that relationship. They often say that words don’t mean that much, but words can go deeper than anything else. Whether you realize this or not, the destination of words is the heart. This is why you must work at only saying things that are sweet, loving and kind to those with whom you have a relationship. Don’t always say what you are thinking, but only say those things that you would want somebody to say to you. If you would not want someone to say to you what you’re about ready to say, then don’t you say that to them.
9. Don’t be a reactor.
Reactors blow up, and every time there is a blow up there will always be a fallout. The fallout from a blowup will result in casualties. Learn not to react to every situation, but respond by reaching out. When someone does something that could hurt you, find out what caused them to do it, and use it as a tool to help them. Use their action as a motivation to be a help in their time of need. Sometimes when people do things it is not because they wanted to hurt you, but many times it is because they are hurting themselves. If you will use something that someone has done to you as a motivational tool to be a help to them, then you will start learning how to build sustaining relationships.
One day you will get old, and if you don’t learn to sustain relationships, then you will become a very lonely person. Don’t be guilty of being able to start a relationship and not sustain it. Just as it is important to start relationships, it is even more important to sustain the relationships that you have started. Work hard at starting new relationships, but work extra hard at being able to sustain the relationships that you have started.
